Fear by akirakirai on deviantART
As a gamer, I used to be baffled with the concept of “rage quitting”, because at the time, I wasn’t the kind of person who could be easily angered. I unconsciously converted my anger into sadness and tried to work from my failures into something a little more productive (if you can call gaming even more productive).
Nowadays though, I’ve lost my cool every now and then whenever someone wipes the floor with me at a game, or whenever someone does something stupid. There’s this incessant need to correct them, and I don’t mean to be a smartass or a know-it-all, but I couldn’t control the impulse to just try and tell them what to do and what not to do.
What changed me?
Maybe it’s because I’m not content anymore. As a kid, I forced myself to be happy and ignored whatever tried to bring me down around me. I was dumb, but I was content. Now? I’ve grown up a little bit more, and I’ve seen the world and the terrible things that happen every day. I grew to be a bit more cynical and sarcastic, and it’s gotten to the point where I’m quiet just because I follow the rule “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Reality caught up to me, and I couldn’t run or hide from it anymore. I was forced to look at the things I tried to look away from, and now I can’t stay happy anymore. Sure I have fun every now and then when I hang out with friends or my girlfriend, talking to my family or play video games. I’m not always depressed, I just still get depressed every other time I’m not.
Control over your emotions is a big thing, for me at least. In particular, keeping negative emotions in check like anger and sadness. Anger clouds the mind, and you tend to do things that will harm yourself and/or others when you are. Sadness keeps you from being productive, and in extreme cases, it kills your motivation to live or do anything at all. I’ve experienced both negative emotions at its worst, and I never wanna live through those ever again.
It was easy to keep it in check back then, but what about now? I hate to say it, but I get triggered about things I don’t normally get triggered about, and it’s becoming harder and harder to not get sad or angry. Reality sure is harsh and depressing.
I have to keep trying. Should I keep trying? Maybe it’s better this way. No.. it probably isn’t. I.. I don’t know what to do anymore.