It won’t go away.

It feels like an elaborate suicide note, even though I didn’t intend it to be. It feels like a place of refuge, but it wasn’t intended to be a refuge from my own thoughts.

I can’t make it stop. I don’t want it to stop. I feel like screaming when I can’t. I feel like being enclosed in a glass box that I can’t break out of, slowly shrinking, slowly closing itself in, while everyone else can see but does not see. I scream, not for help. I fight but I cannot do anything. The box closes in, I feel pain. I am not dead.

I can make it stop. I can make the voices stop. I just need to kill myself. I..

I just wanted to be happy. I’ve done what I could, so why won’t it go away? No.. I didn’t. I barely tried. I never give my all, my mind is twisted.

I just wanted to be happy. It’s not hard, it’s never hard. So why?

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I want to kill myself

Well… wanted to.

A while ago as of writing this post.

Actually I still do, but I’ll just put it off for later.

Maybe.

 

It’s strange isn’t it? When your life is in between your parents and friends wishing you a long and prosperous life, when you have a girlfriend who looks after you, when you shouldn’t even be complaining about how your life is when you have it better than most people.

And yet I’ve already disappointed them with the part where I’ll probably get successful someday because I can never get anything done right. When I’ll probably give my girlfriend a really fucking hard time when and if we ever get married because I’ll probably not be able to financially support her or her kids if we have any. When I don’t even know what I want in life or why in the fuck I’m still here. When it feels like the only kind of dream I’ve ever had to look forward to is a makeshift dream based on the biological reason that anything here has to exist; that is to reproduce and continue on their legacy and nothing else.

I could’ve killed myself. I live 20 minutes away from a mall with an open roof that I can throw myself from. I could’ve gone there right now. It’s a part of the mall that’s rarely guarded so I’m sure if I’m quick I could just do it. It’s been on my mind for months.

I’m still here though. I hate myself so much for it. If I could write an essay about how much I hated myself, I’d probably write about the same things again and again because I can’t emphasize it enough.

I’m in between hating myself for not being a capable person that can function normally as a human being in a way that would benefit society and an existential crisis. The entire time I’ve always had my sense of humor was because I’ve always thought that my life was some really fucking sick joke someone up there made because they like seeing the things they made squirm. Maybe they’re just not done with me yet, which is why for some reason, I’m still here.

Maybe I still have a deluded sense of hope somewhere in my head. A DELUDED SENSE OF HOPE THAT’S KEEPING ME FROM KILLING MYSELF. Or maybe it’s the other part of my mind that’s much more level-headed and trying to activate my self-preservation instincts that’s making me write all this. Maybe it’s desperately making me vent to try and get all the negative shit out of my head, but really I’m just writing it here because I know nobody will read this unless I actually put out a link or something that’ll spread my blog to actual people which I never do for good reason.

Maybe I’ll die in the near future. I hope I do. Just maybe not today, because life goes on. Because my habits of procrastination also applies to suicide. Because a twisted sense of hope is still in there somewhere, telling me that I’ll stop hating myself eventually, I’ll get out of it eventually, when my mind is telling me otherwise. Please make the voices stop.

 

 

 

 

My life is still a fucking mess

Oh boy it’s been a while. I guess my last log was pretty depressing huh? Didn’t think I’d come back here again after so long. After what.. six months? A year? I don’t know, don’t remember.

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Well it’s just as it says on the tin, my life is still a fucking mess. I’m probably failing in university, probably not gonna get a job anytime soon, I stopped touching my phone because I’m too scared of people talking to me and I have depression bad enough that I get thoughts to kill myself. Hurray for me!

But it isn’t all bad. I still have friends despite all that, and a girlfriend, so that’s something. I’ve been thinking of doing something productive besides drinking, masturbating and playing video games too, and this is something. Hell, maybe I’ll even start posting videos instead once I get something better than a potato laptop and an actual theme that I can work on continuously.

Also despite what might be dire straits for me and my wallet, I’ll probably try and not do this for getting money. I’d rather find something I love to do rather than get a job, though money would be nice too.

So… yeah. I’m looking at the bright side and trying to fix things one by one, I guess. Though I never even liked my university anyway, and even if I do get a degree from there, it’ll probably mean shit. Probably. I don’t fucking know, I’m just pretty god damn tired. It feels like both the universe and my own bad habits are fucking me over in ways beyond my control and understanding.

But y’know what? Fuck me, fuck the universe.

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Negative Human Emotions

Image result for Fear artFear by akirakirai on deviantART

As a gamer, I used to be baffled with the concept of “rage quitting”, because at the time, I wasn’t the kind of person who could be easily angered. I unconsciously converted my anger into sadness and tried to work from my failures into something a little more productive (if you can call gaming even more productive).

Nowadays though, I’ve lost my cool every now and then whenever someone wipes the floor with me at a game, or whenever someone does something stupid. There’s this incessant need to correct them, and I don’t mean to be a smartass or a know-it-all, but I couldn’t control the impulse to just try and tell them what to do and what not to do.

What changed me? Continue reading “Negative Human Emotions”

What makes a person interesting?

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This thought dawned upon me while I was playing a game called Sunless Sea. A terribly depressing game about how life would’ve been if London became a subterranean sea called “Fallen London” with weirdo lingo like “The Unterzee” “Zee Monsters”, scary-looking sea monsters and things that look like Cthulhu came and made a quick visit with the ladies, unidentified malevolent gods, cryptic messages, suspicious townsfolk and of course, talking rodents.

Now scary monsters in a setting where the sun literally doesn’t shine at any time of the day is fine and all but that’s not what we’re talking about here.

At some point while I braved the dark and terrible seas I came across a sea port far off north where it’s awful cold and rare it is that you’d find another ship there. Now every port I’ve come across is unique. I’ve been in a port where you literally have to wear a mask just so you could enter town and you have to “play a part” or something. I saw a port right next to a gigantic unidentified gyroscope-likeĀ  puzzle filled with rings spinning so fast and crazy that you could practically turn a whale into finger-sized sashimi. Hell, I’ve seen a port filled with those rodents I mentioned earlier, fighting amongst one another for a kingdom.

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Meet Guinea Page of Pigmote Isle.

But in all the ports that I could trade supplies with, this one in particular was special. Why? Because they don’t use Echos (what passes off as currency in there) Continue reading “What makes a person interesting?”

Procrastination: My life’s never ending battle

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Literally everything productive is a chore to me. Including writing this blog.

I realized recently that I write this blog whenever I have something else even more of a chore to do that needs to be done. My brain sure is a pain, I mean I’m a video game addict that finally got my habits down to only 2-3 hours a week and I still don’t have enough time to do much anything productive!

My room isn’t always a mess because I clean it whenever I have something else to do. Goes the same for my laundry, clothes, shoes, the files on my laptop. I try to do something productive but I do something else less productive.

I can’t really sleep properly either because anytime I’d have something to do, It’d be stuck in my mind and I’d tell myself to do it. I just end up not doing it and doing something else though.

I might even end up contemplatng about how human a sentient android who’s indiscernible from the real thing is. Like if it has a soul or feelings or is that all programming, or both. I think about crazy stuff when I have nothing else to do.

The ethics of human cloning too. I don’t really get how we’re playing god since we do the same thing when we have sex right? I mean old Chinese families would literally try until they have ten daughters to have one son back in the old days.

Or maybe it’s when you implant fake memories or turn them into slaves that’s unethical. Yes, there’s a big potential for it to be unethical, but the things you could do with it! Like test out diseases or replace the deceased. Wait, that’s unethical. Aah my head hurts!

Wait, what was I doing again? Oh right. I gotta get to that uh.. thing I gotta do. Again.

Video Games

L6VMd3As of writing this blog post, my “I” key has been broken due to playing video games too much.

What’s your favorte vdeo game? My first video game was Chrono Trigger. Back when I was a wee laddie, I saw my much bigger brother play it and it looked so cool when the characters did all those crazy stuff with their weapons. In particular, there was this battle where this red-haired spiky dude flew up to the sky and slashed this giant skeleton monster and suddenly this biggo ice rock appeared out of nowhere.

I was a kid at the time so when I tried playing somethng that complicated, I sucked balls and couldn’t get past the third boss. My brother then proceeded to give me his New Game+ and I started kickin’ ass like there was no tomorrow.

The graphics was what hooked me in. It was a complicated game and a 4-year old couldn’t have possibly figured out the game mechanics of elements, item effects and efficient party management. The cool anime-esque retro graphcs though, oh man. The effects too, with those fire, lightning and ice magics and stuff. Not to mention the cool story, landscape, the background music. It wasn’t after I was a bit older that I could fully appreciate and enjoy the game. When I replayed the game as an older teen, I realized how awesome this game is compared to the rest of the games I’ve played. I didn’t even know about the Final Fantasy series and I thought FFVI was practically just a Chrono Trigger knockoff (granted they were made by the same creators)

Jump forward a decade and a half and I’m still playng video games. The stuff is wonderful, addictive and it’s an entertainment media that’s pretty special. It immerses you in so many different worlds in roles that you would never imagine. Tell you such wonderful stories in so many different angles in a way so much better than a book, movie or TV show ever could. Video games is even slowly evolving to a point where you can make money out of just playing video games. E-Sports and streaming live, Youtube. Maybe someday I might make a living off of it too.

 

Of course everything is good in moderaton. Video games has its bad points too. It’s so good that it’s addictive, and it can really affect your life if you don’t control the habit. After all, it’s so good that people have died over playing too long, and it’s not even unusual at this point to hear about someone dying after god knows how many hours of non-stop gaming.

 

Still, I can never forget the story of that kid who bumped into a princess, got locked away for stuff he didn’t do by an evl chancellor and then suddenly had to save the future because a giant porcupine that crash-landed onto the earth during the tme dinosaurs walked the earth decided to shoot needles everywhere.

What was your frst video game?

 

 

My very first blog post

Greetings readers! This is my very first blog post.

At the time of this writing, I have no idea where this blog is headed off to, what I’m going to continue writing about or if anyone’s even gonna read this piece of trash excuse of a blog! To be honest, I’m typing all this stuff in on a whim and at any time, I could stop updating this blog because I currently have no attachments to it. Nope! Not a single bit whatsoever!

On the off-chance that this spirals into something big however, I want all of you to know that this is where it all started. All on a whim when I just felt like putting stuff out on an internet website that’s asking me to pay more for more features, just like any other freemium website!

This is all for me and my own satisfaction. I ain’t writing all this for anyone else but myself. For now. Probably. So seriously! If I bore you in some way, just stop reading. If I offend you, tell me and I’ll keep that in mind next time I write, so I can improve myself. If you’re here to piss me off for shits and giggles, by all means! Just don’t insult anyone else but me.

 

Let’s start with myself. You may call me Mr. Dr. Man Sir, because really I can’t think of any other name to log in with since Aequanimus was taken. You may call me Mister, Doctor, Man or Sir. Or Any combination of the four.

I’m currently 22 years old, male. Currently in a relationship. I’m somewhere in the South East Asia area. I don’t really do much besides attend my college, studying ways to manage a business and just getting by with video games.

I am a simple man. I browse 4chan every now and then, never post but just lurk. I also watch anime every now and then. Besides that there’s not much to talk about.

I’m joking, there’s actually a lot about myself that I haven’t talked about but we’ll cross that bridge when we actually get there, which is probably not gonna happen anytime soon.